Rockets 119, Nets 111 - The Opposite of a Loss

By Forrest Walker on November 2, 2018

Tonight, the Houston Rockets didn't gain a number in the loss column. This is, of course, a ridiculous concept, but believe me when I say that the first, unknown number in their season record went up. In fact, it went up by an entire integer! Whatever they did to the Brooklyn Nets was something other than a loss. It was, if anything the opposite of a loss. This is frankly stunning and hard to follow, so bear with me as we go over whatever it is that just happened.

Tonight, when the Rockets threw the basketball at the hoop, it went in almost half of the time. I was as stunned as anyone when I began to see the ball pass within the ring, and nearly fell out of my seat when I realized that the number at the bottom of the screen was raising each and every time. Moreover, Eric Gordon suddenly began throwing the ball through the hoop instead of bouncing it off the edge, which I had assumed was his goal. Not so! In fact, the so-called "scorers" assigned him 21 points for his efforts, which is almost 20% of the total points for the team, which seems like a decent amount.

Other players whom I observed to be pursuing "points" were Carmelo Anthony and Chris Paul. Now, we've seen Anthony launch the ball at the rim in a seeming frenzy plenty of times prior, but this time it went in 9 of the 12 times he tried, which is very often! I don't want to get ahead of myself, but it seemed like tonight there were fewer opposing team members near him when he threw the ball, which seemed to have a positive effect on his accuracy. I will be submitting a letter to Rockets head coach Mike D'Antoni describing my hypothesis that players should attempt to distance themselves from opposing players before throwing the basketball.

Chris Paul was assigned a very large number of points! He tried to send the ball into the ring 27 times, and it went in 13 times. He was given 32 points for this, and it says "11 assists" and "7 rebounds" next to his name as well. According to my research those are good numbers to accumulate. As for his actions on the parquet, he definitely seemed spry and nimble, and the fellows Brooklyn sent after him seemed unable to impede his movements. I assume this is somehow good, due to all the numbers he gained near his name.

Clint Capela repeatedly surprised me my grabbing the ball and (make sure you're sitting, dear reader), leaping into the air to PLACE the ball directly into the orange ring. The rate of success was simply amazing, and I cannot recommend this highly enough to all members of the National Basketball Association.

This Rockets team looked normal during the first half, but in the second, something curious occurred. Instead of the Brooklyn Nets hitting the mark on 65% of their attempts to throw the ball at the hoop, they ended up with a mere 49.4% success rate, which is the same as the rate Houston ended with. The Rockets players began to actively impede the opposing players, something I've heard suggested but had assumed was only a legend. Like Luke Skywalker in the hit 1977 film "Star Wars," I found myself suddenly confronted with the reality of something that I hadn't previously believed in. Like Mr. Skywalker, now that I've seen some of this "defense," I seek to learn more and see more.

The final result of all of this was a "score" number larger that that of the Brooklyn Nets, a shocking and bizarre outcome indeed. Apparently, should this occur, the Rockets' season record is changed in the amount of 1 (one) in the first column, and not in the loss column. I still haven't thought of what to call the opposite of a loss, but if the Rockets keep behaving like this, and if James Harden returns tomorrow, we may get a chance to study this phenomenon again.

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